What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 02:19
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I don,t even have a pension.
Who then, do I blame.?
Why did we evolve to have so many nerve endings in our anuses?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But, we were locked up after school.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was seconnd youngest,
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I will be 64.
She wouldn,t have been !
Is love natural, or is it somehow created?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I have no regrets .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She married twice! .
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot live in the past .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Would this be the day?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was 9 years of age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I write beautiful poetry .
We all went to grammer schools
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Ive learnt so much.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And i lived it daily.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was scared of men, in general
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I was very sick at this time too.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im still living with it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Comes on , in middle age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He knew the spot.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We were not on the streets..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I waited trembling.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It was going to be , some day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So whats the point in blame.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My family never makes their pension either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So, i spoilt her more .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I said to her
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
All the time i was locked up.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I think the readers, may guess!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why did i forgive my father ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
This is soul school!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My life is so biszare .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She loved him until the end.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
What did i know ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When she asked me how she looked .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was in good health!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But it wasn’t much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Put me off passion for life!!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .